09/08/2018

DOES PRIVACY GET IN THE WAY OF TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP?

Would you give your partner access to your phone / social accounts etc?
This was the question I recently posed to Instagram with a poll which allowed you to answer either: “Yes, I believe in transparency” and “No, I don’t need to.”
Although you may have already seen… THE RESULTS ARE IN with 47% voting for transparency and openness and 53% campaigning for the fact that it isn’t necessary to bare all when it comes to their phones.
On a side note can I just say I am so happy with the amount of responses and the fact that so many took time out of your day to let me know your thoughts.
So, after reading through all your responses I managed to band them into three separate teams or themes.

THOSE FOR PROTECTING PRIVACY:

protect privacy

A lot of the responses in this camp alluded to the fact that if your partner wants to go through your phone that there is distrust in the relationship which needs to be identified and worked through. Other reasons stated the need for privacy doesn’t necessarily mean you are hiding anything but because your phone is your avenue to speak to your friends. It’s a space where they feel they can confide in you – not you AND your partner. One instagrammer replied with “Would I fuck, it’s my private life. People have a different persona with their mates and a different persona with their partner. I think she would be appalled by my friends in our group chat and I would never see them again.”

THOSE FOR SHARING IS CARING:

sharing is caring privacy

The responses for the reasons to give your partner access to your phone ranged from sharing each other’s social feeds to the fact that phones are generally always lying about. I also found that a lot of the responses from this team didn’t specifically want their partners to go through their phones it was more that the sentiment is there and if their partner needed to there is nothing to hide, one instragrammer replied with “I mean yeah but he’d never ask”.

THOSE INBETWEEN:

inbetweener privacy

The common themes here were that although partners were given permission to look at their phones, this was only if it was needed and they wouldn’t be comfortable with their partners looking at their conversations. Social media passwords were also a no-no. One instagrammer said: “He can use my phone if he needs to but my conversations should remain private. There should be enough trust between parties to not have to do any of that?”
More interestingly, I also found that quite a lot of people thought that not giving access to your phone would suggest you are hiding something and that it is easier to give permission in order to avoid this assumption and prevent suspicion.
This led me to think about…
IS IT OKAY TO GO THROUGH YOUR PARTNER’S PHONE IF YOU FOUND SOMETHING SHADY?

Anon

I am a bit stuck when it comes to which side of the fence to sit on with this debate. On one hand I am all for privacy and someone snooping through my phone is a complete invasion of it. I would feel quite betrayed and I would question the morals of the person who did this to me. On the other hand, if your partner is acting shady- as the person in this example above has, and you found something incriminating does it make it “worth it”.
This instagrammer would never have found out what happened with her ex-boyfriend had she not checked through his phone. She must have already found his actions a bit weird to want to go and investigate further. It gave her the confidence to confront him and end the relationship.  But, if you were in that situation and you didn’t find anything…

CONCLUSION
I think for me it is really important to address that maintaining your privacy does not automatically mean you are hiding something. I feel that if you constantly have to prove your innocence and give your partner access to your phone it shows that there are issues which, as I’ve mentioned before, need to be discussed and worked through. It is also important to note if your partner is demanding to see your phone, this is also controlling behaviour and a form of mental abuse.
One instgrammer said: “If you are transparent there is no need for them to check your phone” and while I agree with this statement to some degree there are times where you could be transparent but your partner is still paranoid.
At the end of the day, keeping an open dialogue in your relationship about how much privacy you need and how much transparency you want in your relationship is the only way to figure out and strike a good balance between what both parties want from each other. One person said: “I don’t feel like it should be a necessity but if they want to then yeah I would give it. However, if I gave mine I would also expect them to give me theirs too because you can’t have everything one sided.”
The votes were so close to each other and there obviously isn’t a “right or wrong” answer but I think this message that I received sums everything up nicely for me: “I think there shouldn’t be a need, so I guess it comes from being open and having trust. Feeling no need to see who theyre talking to, what they like etc cos you know that they’re yours and nobody elses anyway.”
Although I found it very cute that a lot of couples share their phones and go through their feeds together I prefer to keep a certain level of privacy because that is what I am comfortable with – that’s just me. I think if I ever felt the need to go through my partners phone I would have to really think about why I want to do this and question myself – is it because I don’t trust them? And if that is the case then I would seriously need to sit down and revaluate my situation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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